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    Trump Talks Through his Hat
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    “Now, if you want to really get serious, we\'ll curse his sponges and towels with eternal mold
    “I mean, if I can’t trust him not to watch episodes before I do, then how can I trust him with anything
    “It’ll be a hearse
    “Sure, some days you wish you had more stability. But then the sun hits the trash can just right, and you find a mostly full container of chicken lo mein, and you think, Wow. This is living
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    “Notice how its quack seems to follow you around the room
    “I see you’ve had your hair cut—just when it was starting to look nice
    “Careful—that’s going to be in a museum one day
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    “Bachelor number three, I love museums. When exactly was the last time you were in one
    “So, tell me what music you like, and make it quick because I really want to spend the next forty minutes telling you what music I like
    “Working out is easier than cancelling my membership
    “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down our frisbee
    “The way you\'re trying to eat the chips quietly is far more annoying than just eating them
    “I think I like us better as a group chat
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    “No one’s leaving until we can get them to agree on who to blame for this
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    “Ever wonder what our lives would be like if we’d never abducted earthlings
    “The crisis is lifelong. It just took me until midlife to be able to afford it
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    “Look, the geese are skipping town before the election results
    “Happy? Yeah, sure, I guess I’m as happy as something with zero locomotion and no discernible features or extremities can be
    “Don’t worry—if we miss the curtain we’ll just fumble our way to our seats while noisily complaining about the unreliability of the subway
    “Try not to fill up on bread
    “You seem nice, but between work, sleep, and the eight hours a day mysteriously lost to my phone, I just don’t have time to date
    “I can\'t tell if it\'s still in there or not
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    “I just need you to find this e-mail from two or five years ago, but I can’t remember the subject line or address or if I actually received it
    “We\'re either headed for disaster or we\'ll be fine—either way, I\'m going to puke
    “You don\'t gasp at my miracles anymore
    “It\'s ageism, plain and simple
    “Golly! If my folks back in Nebraska could see me now
    “You play it all day, every day, until you can\'t anymore
    “I came, I saw, I didn\'t know anybody
    “I don’t want to know. My stress level is high enough as it is
    "Wow, my whole family showed up
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    “I’m going door-to-door on behalf of Kamala Harris. She prefers Reese’s, but she wouldn’t say no to a Snickers
    "I used to get excited about the Great Pumpkin, too, until I got sucked into his pumpkin cult
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    “I’m just saying it would be nice to be invited over sometime when there wasn’t a murder
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